Is He Focused On You Or The Googly Eye You Glued On To Confuse Predators?

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Sometimes you think bae is gazing at you with soulful and tender affection. But is he really just mesmerized by the unblinking, unseeing, jumbo googly eye you have superglued to your ass for safety reasons?

Does your man melt you with a glance? Or does his gaze linger on the center of your left bum cheek, where your lidless plastic eye gazes back with unsettling intensity?

It’s like, a woman has to take steps to protect herself. So when you affixed a massive googly eye to your person in order to throw potential predators off-kilter, it was an act of true self-care. You were saying YES to yourself and NO to dangerous night beasts.

Now when you walk to your car late at night, you feel secure knowing that any lurking rapists will be bamboozled by your ass-eye and just try to hump your leg or something.

Does your boyfriend even care that you have to guard against prowling shadow creatures and also that guy who's always outside the Hess station, picking up cigarettes from the parking lot and eating them? Why won't he acknowledge your needs or actual eyes? Do your organic peepers just not do it for him like they used to?

There may be a more sinister reason Boo Boo stands transfixed in mid-step when you present your googly bottom. Could he in fact be a predator caught in the ruse of your butt blinker?

Better eat him just to make sure.