Is She Planning a Dream Wedding or a Blood Sacrifice?
Is your suggested dress code “formal cocktail attire”? Or are guests requested to arrive sky-clad and greased with the rendered fat of nine blind crows?
Is her Pinterest account full of centerpiece inspiration? Or is it mostly images of various scythes and chalices?
Has her side of the family requested a traditional Polish blessing? Or have they requested an invocation of the Void?
Is your sweetheart’s libido out of whack due to the stress of wedding planning? Or does she keep murmuring that you both must be pure for the Dread Mother?
Is she asking you for a final count on vegetarians in your family? Or is she melting down all the table settings to forge hundreds and hundreds of silver needles?
Are the guests going home with Mason jars full of monogrammed white-chocolate M&Ms? Or has your fiancée put in for a bulk order of Tide-To-Go pens and paper towels?
Is your wedding venue a renovated tobacco barn out in the country? Or are you exchanging vows inside a massive wicker sculpture?
Did you eat actual cake at your cake tasting? Or did the baker simply ask to try several frosting color swatches on your arm?
Are you looking forward to your honeymoon in Rio? Or has your partner mentioned that she may want to see other people after the wedding?
Were most of your RSVPs returned by family and close friends? Or were they mainly sent back by vestal virgins and keepers of the old ways?
Is your sweetheart typically satisfied with her own blood? Or does she occasionally crave the blood of others?
It's probably fine. Everything is probably fine.
Is she planning on taking your name or your life in the name of the Old Gods?
My eyes are up here and also there's one on my butt.
All the hot lemon water in the world won’t save you from eventual physical and mental decrepitude.
Shortly after hatching, Willem Dafoe pecked the rest of his nest-mates to death in a bid to secure the fattest worms.
Maybe you can't play tennis, but neither could Jesus.
Your stools will shimmer with the spirit of the revolution.
You are understandably devastated that he is not the Cumberbatch-Biden mashup you envisioned, but is in fact a silent fart in a fedora.