14 Things I Believe About Myself Despite Overwhelming Contrary Evidence

 

Belief: I definitely like board games. I’m totally down for board game night. I won’t suffer at all. I’m just a chill and quirky girl who loves board games.
Reality: I will literally shit myself on your mother’s lap to get out of board game night. 

Belief: I can actually hold my liquor surprisingly well. 
Reality: Brb, gotta go tell the DJ to play "Kiss From a Rose."

Belief: I’m so busy all the time. Ugh. 
Reality: I just spent 45 minutes caramelizing nuts for my microwave oatmeal. 

Belief: I don’t give a fuck. 
Reality: I give 4-10 fucks at any given moment. 

Belief: I’m really chill about casual sex.
Reality: The evening will culminate in me either friending your mother on Facebook from the bathroom or silently rolling you from the bed and into the street.

Belief: This is the year I’m going to get my holiday shopping done early.
Reality: You will be receiving a catering tray of veggies and ranch dip that I bought at Stop & Shop on the way over. 

Belief: I’m pretty low-maintenance when it comes to relationships. 
Reality: Bequeath unto me your immortal soul.

Belief: I don’t sunburn, I just tan. 
Reality: My flesh is gasoline-soaked gauze. 

Belief: I’m great at taking care of sick people. I should have been a doctor.
Reality: I have a 6-hour supply of patience, low-level disgust at weakness and a hatred of being inconvenienced.

Belief: I know that a relationship requires compromise and growth. 
Reality: Don’t ask me to change my behavior in any but the most superficial of ways. 

Belief: I'm so angry right now, don't even touch me.
Reality: Fuck me and give me hot cocoa. 

Belief: I’m definitely over it. 
Reality: I will, in fact, never be over it. I will keep being under it in perpetuity. 

Belief: I’m taking some time to self-care.
Reality: I’m performing basic acts of survival such as eating and sleeping. 

Belief: Joggers actually sort of work on me. 
Reality: Guys, I honestly think they do. 

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