14 Things I Believe About Myself Despite Overwhelming Contrary Evidence
Belief: I definitely like board games. I’m totally down for board game night. I won’t suffer at all. I’m just a chill and quirky girl who loves board games.
Reality: I will literally shit myself on your mother’s lap to get out of board game night.
Belief: I can actually hold my liquor surprisingly well.
Reality: Brb, gotta go tell the DJ to play "Kiss From a Rose."
Belief: I’m so busy all the time. Ugh.
Reality: I just spent 45 minutes caramelizing nuts for my microwave oatmeal.
Belief: I don’t give a fuck.
Reality: I give 4-10 fucks at any given moment.
Belief: I’m really chill about casual sex.
Reality: The evening will culminate in me either friending your mother on Facebook from the bathroom or silently rolling you from the bed and into the street.
Belief: This is the year I’m going to get my holiday shopping done early.
Reality: You will be receiving a catering tray of veggies and ranch dip that I bought at Stop & Shop on the way over.
Belief: I’m pretty low-maintenance when it comes to relationships.
Reality: Bequeath unto me your immortal soul.
Belief: I don’t sunburn, I just tan.
Reality: My flesh is gasoline-soaked gauze.
Belief: I’m great at taking care of sick people. I should have been a doctor.
Reality: I have a 6-hour supply of patience, low-level disgust at weakness and a hatred of being inconvenienced.
Belief: I know that a relationship requires compromise and growth.
Reality: Don’t ask me to change my behavior in any but the most superficial of ways.
Belief: I'm so angry right now, don't even touch me.
Reality: Fuck me and give me hot cocoa.
Belief: I’m definitely over it.
Reality: I will, in fact, never be over it. I will keep being under it in perpetuity.
Belief: I’m taking some time to self-care.
Reality: I’m performing basic acts of survival such as eating and sleeping.
Belief: Joggers actually sort of work on me.
Reality: Guys, I honestly think they do.