13 Fake Facts About Willem Dafoe That Sound Correct

 

1. Shortly after hatching, Willem Dafoe pecked the rest of his nest-mates to death in a bid to secure the fattest worms. 

2. Before making it as an actor, Dafoe made ends meet by spinning straw into gold in exchange for paternity rights. 

3. Willem Dafoe has eleven toes and they are all immaculate.

4. Willem Dafoe feeds exclusively on gingerbread and malt liquor. 

5. According to recent studies, there is a 1 in 6 chance that the noise in your attic is actually Willem Dafoe.

6. Willem Dafoe fathered a lovechild named Carol. She is well-liked at school and cherished by her mother. Some nights, Carol lies in bed and feels the electricity of her awakening purpose crackle along her bones in the dark. Her hamster is named Butterbomb. 

7. The decadently weathered visage of Willem Dafoe was actually the inspiration for Abraham Lincoln's personal aesthetic.

8.  Willem Dafoe crows like a cockrel when presented with mother-of pearl buttons. 

9. Willem Dafoe is forbidden from wearing velvet by Queen Elizabeth after he lost the privilege in a game of "Never Have I Ever."

10. Whenever a child loses a rubber bouncy ball, it reappears in a large iron chest in Willem Dafoe's basement. 

11. At his cotillion, the young Dafoe was said to be "exceedingly nimble and cheeky" by the DJ. 

12. Shakira's megahit "Hips Don't Lie" was actually inspired by Dafoe.

13. Willem Dafoe was expelled from high school for shooting a pornographic film. This one is real. Seriously.