What To Do When Your Boyfriend Comes Out As Boring

First of all, know that this has nothing to do with you. This is about him. You didn’t turn him boring. He has been boring as fuck since literally forever. 

When your pumpkin finally starts living his truth and confesses that his personality is basically chino shorts, no one will blame you for being emotional. You are understandably devastated that he is not the Cumberbatch-Biden mashup you envisioned, but is, in fact, a silent fart in a fedora. 

You were duped by his thrift store sweaters, bamboozled by Tinder pictures of him at Machu Picchu, picking apples, pointing at Banksy shit, gamely hugging ethnic children. "At last, a true citizen of the world," you purred. 

You brought this person into your life believing that you were going to road trip and audit lectures and slack-line together. You thought you were both on the same page about things like color runs and Vonnegut. 

But now you realize your sex playlist is just songs he Shazamed at H&M, and that all of his jokes are lifted from Family Guy cutaways. 

And if you're being honest, the bedroom situation with boo-bear was the erotic equivalent of loading the dishwasher. Maybe you blamed it on the Mike's Hard Lemonade, or his soggy-looking ex from Minnesota with the side bangs. Maybe you remember all the frustration, wondering why your Malaysian sex chimes and TSA role-play never seemed to get him going. 

That time you found an empty bottle of Acqua Di Gio beneath his front seat and he swore it wasn’t his. The night he couldn’t finish his sushi because it had touched the green wasabi lump. How he always responds your goodnight texts with GIFS from Wolf of Wall Street.

Now, it’s all too clear: your baby is fucking lame, and it’s time to let him spread his wings and fly. But not too high or too fast. Just at a sort of average, unremarkable clip.

It's likely that his loved ones already know, or at least suspect, that he is a wad of masticated bran. In fact, your own family and friends may tell you that they pretty much knew all along, but didn’t want to meddle or simply assumed you were okay with his Don Draper Halloween costume and GAP credit card. 

Still, revelations like this can be particularly challenging for parents. If he asks you, consider being there with him when he tells his folks that he is, in reality, a human saltine cracker. 

So where do you go from here? Clearly, your relationship with this man has changed forever. You may still care about him, but a romantic bond just isn’t possible now that you realize he’s dull as balls. 

You need someone who can inspire you, or at least isn’t heinously tedious. He needs someone with whom to play Ultimate and eat chicken parm.