12 Ways Your Feet Are Wrong

They do not tip tap like the newly polished talons of a griffon.

You wear a half-size. This is inconvenient for literally everyone.

Your big toe is low-key racist. 

One of your feet is actually a potato carved and enchanted to match the other, but you’ll never know which one. 

You wear stretched out socks that are sort of brownish on the bottom and that actually speaks volumes about you as a person. Volumes. 

One of your toes plots your ruin. The gears of calamity it has set in motion will not be stilled, and the hour of betrayal approaches. 

That pinky toenail is really small. I mean, it’s really small. It looks like a sad grain of rice. 

Your feet rarely slip and slither like the mittened feet of a sneaking salamander. 

One of your toes is sort of puffy and that's not sexy.

They're rather too wide, don’t you think? Haven’t you always thought that? No? Interesting.

The only way they would be right is if they were literally Gillian Anderson’s feet. 

A white raven appeared to me in a dream and softly whispered that your feet look dumb.