11 Inedible Things the Patriarchy Doesn't Want You to Eat

1. Consuming pulverized opals will give your esophagus that iridescent, irritated sheen that the patriarchy hates. Your stools will shimmer with the spirit of the revolution.

2. Blend up some baby spinach with half a banana, a dollop of almond butter and equal portions of Infinite JestAmerican Psycho, Slaughterhouse-Five, Confederacy of Dunces, The Road, and Catch-22. Garnish with a shattered DVD copy of Shawshank Redemption

3. Rolls and rolls of coins. Slide them down like oiled plantains. The patriarchy will be mesmerized and revolted, giving you the opportunity to furtively unscrew the caps of their salt shakers. 

4. Feasting on the contents of a coordinating bed set will fill you with cozy, feminist fervor and many fire retardant fibers. Perfect for retarding the heat of the male gaze. 

5. Supercharge that yonic energy by feverishly licking the produce sticker off a ripe papaya and then just putting that papaya back on the pile of papayas at Whole Foods like nothing happened. You've taken what you came for.

6. Eat their boyhood memories and hopes for the future. Devour their secret wishes and earnest desires. Consume a vast quantity of grape juice as a chaser. 

7. Eat exactly seven moths. No time to explain, just count up some fat, flappy moths and eat them with your mouth. Yes, just like that. Yes.

8. Ball up a bralette and jam that frilly fucker into your mouth. Spit elastic and lace in the face of every microaggression and also at Jared. 

9. Lead. Just as much lead as you can get your mitts on. They can't remove you from positions of power if they can't physically move you on account of you ate a lot of lead. 

10. Use your needle-like girl teeth to nibble holes in all of their "statement socks." Rob them of the paltry amount of self-expression permitted them by colorful socks.

11. Gnaw through all of their Lighting-to-USB cables.